Thursday, November 30, 2006

Haiku: First Time


Haiku # 1
Faint recollections
Sipping sweet mountain berries
Amid nuptial bliss










This is my first attempt at Haiku (correct syllabic form: 5-7-5). I was initially inspired by writer, RICHARD WRIGHT after learning that he wrote over 4,000 in the year before his death. Today, I was inspired by Sage-Petals after visiting her page. If you know Haiku I would love your honest feedback.

Photo: I took this photo of my wife the morning after our wedding night.

37 comments:

Michael J. West said...

Honest feedback? Well, um...You're missing a syllable in the second line. Haiku form is 5-7-5.

Stephen Bess said...

LOL! You know, I've just realized that before you sent this msg. Thanks! I'll have to find a way to fix it. :)

Stephen Bess said...

Haiku form is corrected and new poem is posted. Thanks MJW.

Geoffrey Philp said...

"sipping sweet mountain berries"
I love it! Haikus can be very addictive so I can see wht Wright had written over 4,000. Didn't know that.
So, I've learned something and had an encounter with beauty.
Not bad for a day's work.

Thanks, Stephen!

Cergie said...

AHAHA !
I'm so happy to read your first HAIKU !
It's beautiful to remember your honey moon, am I right ?
The berries give an idea of the time in the year (summer ? Depend the berries)
And we have an idea of the location too: a mountain

Good !
I hope you were pleased to write it !

Stephen Bess said...

Geoffrey-
I'm glad that you liked it! It was fun to write. The photo was my inspiration. Peace, brother. :)

Cergie-
Thank you! I'm glad that you liked it. :) It was during our honeymoon and it was in the Summer. We were actually near the water and the 'mountain berries' represent the flavor of the wine we were sipping the night before. Big fun! :)

urban butterfly said...

wow...

I read the poem and immediately knew what it was about! I love it!! =)

I wrote a Haiku on my blog recently. Haiku #23. Check it out! =)

~UB

Stephen Bess said...

Thanks, UB! :) My commuter is acting up right now and it won't let me go to your page or anyone else. I'll check later.

Dawn said...

Gosh...I'm hoping I can find a man to write stuff like that about me! That's awesome.

toto-too said...

oh stephen, you hit this one right on the mark! in its brevity, this spoke volumes...bravo kind sir!

hugs,
sage

April said...

stephen--
where to begin. saw your comment on crystal's page. saw you're headed to south africa too. came to your page. read your sanchez entry (i took a class with her here in philly not too long ago). it seems we share some of the same interests. so i think i'll be checking your blog often. :)

Rethabile said...

I've only ever written one haiku in my life. But that doesn't prevent me from enjoying the sentiment embodied in your words. A poem is a poem is a poem.

And this one sounds good, indeed.

Ash said...

Lovely haiku Stephen!

Please do write more and share with us...

Stephen Bess said...

Dawn-
Thank you! I'm sure that you will find that in a man one day. It will probably be rather sudden. At least that how it happened with me. :)

Sage-
Thank you so much. You're too kind. You really were an inspiration. I'll share more soon. :)

April-
Welcome! Yes, I remember seeing you there. I'll have to check by your blog as well. Peace~ :)

Rethabile-
Thank you kind sir! :)I appreciate that. It always much appreciated coming from fine poets like you and Geoffrey. Peace~

Ash-
Thank you and I will. :)

Stephen Bess said...

Thank you all for your comments and honesty about my first Haiku. I enjoyed writing it. I haven't thought about syllables in years. Writing will often send the writer back to basics. :)

African girl, American world said...

Stephen I'm intrigued by haikus but have never learned what they are. I don't understand what 5-7-5 is.

I enjoyed your piece and the picture but I need someone to splain it to me (haiku) like I'm 5.

Stephen Bess said...

Mwabi-
Hey there! Well, basically it's all about the syllables. A syllable basically breaks a word down as if you were saying it slow*ly. For example, the word re*col*lec*tions has 4 syllables. In writing Haiku it is important that you count those syllables. There are 3 lines in Haiku. The first line has to amount to 5 syllables. The second line amounts to 7 syllables and the 3rd line is back to 5. If you count the syllables in my poem you will find this to be the case. I hope that I explained it to you well enough?

Stephen Bess said...

Mwabi-
Also, this form of poetry was invented by the Japanese. Enjoy your weekend!

tryphina said...

Hello Stephen, Congrats on your first step!! Your 5-7-5 sounds deeply rooted and heartfelt. You are a great author. Your words sometimes compels some of us "Lifetime Spinsters" to consider marriage :) Thank you for explaining Haiku to us. Great weekend to you and your family :)

Dancewithme2 said...

I think its beautiful - following the Haiku pattern or not. I look forward to reading more of them - now that its your new addiction. ;)

Susan Abraham said...

Your is a grand first attempt, Stephen.
I too am starting to enjoy haiku when I didn't before.

Nevah~ said...

Beautiful Stephen. I thought about doing the same thing but I hadn't YET. To add, I learned something new about Richard Wright. Thanks for sharing!

Rose said...

First time reading this type of poem but it was beautiful...that's wonderful you to the time to take your wife picture after your wedding night, that will always be special...

Xavier said...

Bro, you and I share the same fondness for dark chocolate! But you knoew that already. Wow! The pic is BEAUTIFUL. [sigh] I can't wait to take my morning after wedding photo.

Rethabile said...

Just had my wife's cousin over for a spell. Lives in Bethesda. Told me about 18th street and... Adam's Morgan? Said we gotta go there when (and if) we visit DC this summer.

Rethabile said...

BTW, just wanted to say that a good poem (for me) bends form to its voice, but does not bend its voice to the form.

I'm referring to Michael's message upstairs about your haiku's scansion. Once you start over-scanning, you start adding unnecessary words here and there to satisfy the scanner. At that time your poem's as good as dead.

Nevah~ said...

Ok you got me trying something new. I did a Haiku and it was interesting. I like the vision!

Lyrically speaking said...

You're better than me, i don't even know how to start, this here is masterful

Stephen Bess said...

Try-
You married???? :)

Dance-
It really is because I was in Starbucks writing some last evening. :)

Susan-
Thank you! I find it both enjoyable and a bit challenging.

Writer-
Wright is one of my favorites. I'm always happy to share. Did you post your Haiku? I'll have to go see.

Rose-
Thank you. She was not a completely willing participant because she had just awakened, this is why her head is turned as I snap. :)

Xavier-
Thanx! We do share that fondness! :)

Rethabile-
Adams Morgan is a great place to hang out. That's one of my favorites and Ntshiuwa used to hang out there too. Yes, it will be nice during the Summer. I hope that you can come.

By the way I know what you mean by "over-scanning." The poem can lose it meaning altogether. I've experienced this just yesterday as I was trying to write more. Thanks for that.

Lyric-
You know I find it hard to believe that you can't write any form of poetry. I'm sorry for not buying that comment, but I've been reading your blog. :)
Otherwise, thank you so much for that compliment! I plan to make my purchase on Amazon this month.

Nevah~ said...

Yes I posted it yesterday. I added a link to your Haiku for others to check out.

African girl, American world said...

thank you Stephen
I now understand and it makes your poem that more beautiful.

I'm going to attempt one

Stephen Bess said...

Mwabi-
I'll be looking out. :)

Professor Zero said...

Great photos, and very interesting re Wright haikus! OT: I like that red and green shirt.

Stephen Bess said...

ProfZ-
Thanks. Yes, Wright was fascinating. I'm a student of his work. I really like my shirt too. My daughter bought that shirt for me on my birthday. Thanks! :)

NML said...

I'd be lying if I said I knew exactly what Haiku consisted of before this post... The haiku and pic are great together.

black feline said...

looks like everybody is doing a Haiku...except me...lol..must read up a bit more first

Stephen Bess said...

NML-
I happy that you can carry something away from this post. Thanks. :)

blkfeline-
You can do it!! :)

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